I would just like to start off my story thinking back to me as a little kid. Ever since I can remember I always had a strange feeling I was different from other kids.
As I grew older it became obvious to me that I was more into guys then I was girls. In fact, I never really was into girls at all. It wasn’t till hitting puberty though that I actually discovered I was gay. I knew I had these weird feelings for guys but I didn’t even know what gay was before I was about 12.
When I finally realized I was gay, my parents were split up by then for reasons I will not mention. So I lived with them both 50/50. I had a few really good friends who I knew all my life that lived in my mom’s neighborhood. We would hangout basically everyday after school. I cannot say for sure why but I started feeling so alone all the time. I didn’t just feel alone, but I started wanting to just be alone. So when my friends would come over after school I would ignore them & act as if nobody was home.
At a point, the living situation at my moms became to much & I ended up moving in full time with my father. I can still hear him telling me all the time “you can date whatever kind of chick you want. Black, white, Asian, smart, fat, skinny, whatever. But if you ever brought home a guy & called him your ‘boyfriend’ I’d have to kill you.” Aside from that he would yell me a lot over nothing. To this day I have no idea why. He would yell at me over nothing to the point where I would start crying. I would suggest we need to buy more milk, he would yell at me. He couldn’t find something, he would yell at me & say it was my fault. He even threatened to send me away a few times. & like i said, I don’t know why. If you ask me I was a pretty damn good kid.
Anyways, time goes on & I eventually start going to church on Wednesdays with my sisters. (They are extremely Christian.) The only real reason I even cared about going to church was because I made some of the best friends I would have at the time.
Over time I started getting stronger feelings for guys. I hated the thought that I was gay. I never hated gay people in general, I just hated thinking that I could be gay. I had never met or knew any other gay person before. & as most kids that grow up gay do, I assumed I was all alone in this & that nobody could possibly relate.
I never wanted to be gay. In fact, there were nights I would just lay in bed & cry to Jesus/God to just let me wake up like any normal kid & be straight. I never understood why I had to be the different one. I use to have this dream. This dream of having a wife, kids & a nice house. That’s what I always wanted for myself but I knew that would never be the case which ate me up inside.
When I was I’d say 13-14 I started using AIM! I would go into the gay chatrooms. I eventually started talking to a few people who I ended up being AIM friends with for years. Other gay kids going through what I was going through. It felt so good knowing that there was other people going through the same thing as me. Sad thing is, a lot of them were out to at least someone where as me, I was not.
Nothing really major up to this point happened. I would basically just go through the day ignoring the fact that I was gay. I would just try to not think about it. Then comes high school. Again, I would just ignore the fact that I was in fact gay. Nobody asked me if I was gay & I was in no way comfortable enough with who I was to tell other people. Plus, I was scared of what they would think.
So with that being said, I was asked to go bowling with a friend of a friend who didn’t go to our school but who I had hung out in a group setting with a few times. She was nice. So, we went bowling after which she asked me to the movies the following night. Just the 2 of us. I agreed, being simple minded & not thinking anything of it. The following night comes & her mom picks me up. We go to the movies. Afterwards we were sitting outside waiting for her mom to come pick us up. I didn’t really say much of anything & she noticed. I finally get home & of course first thing I do is get on Myspace where I notice she had messaged me. The message said something along the lines of that she wanted to know if we had gone on a date. I told her sure you can call it that. A few days go by & she messages me saying that our mutual friend told her I liked her & that she really did like me & needed to know how I felt. I basically told her I was not in the interest of having a girlfriend at the moment & that it had nothing to do with her. She replied with saying that she was a tad sad about it.
All throughout life up until I was 18 I never told one person I was gay. I was asked once during high school by 2 chicks in my class junior year who wrote it in a note. I denied the fact & said I wasn’t gay.
It wasn’t until I was 18 that I finally admitted it to someone. At this point, the thought of me being gay was still a bit odd to me & un-comforting. I had, & still do have a friend, who I will call Jay. I met Jay my junior year of high school. He was my best friends cousin. As time went on I started developing a small crush on him. So, one day Jay invited me over. He had to leave to go to the dentist & I stayed behind at his house all by myself. While Jay was gone I used his computer to go to a site called Answers where I asked the community if they thought Jay might be gay & like me back. The thing I forgot to do after was delete my history. So, when Jay got home, his mom asked me to run to the store to buy spaghetti sauce. I agreed & when I got back Jay said he wanted to go into his room. I figured we were just going to play a video game or watch TV. He shut the door, waited for his sister to stop bugging us & then he said, “dude, I know you are gay. I saw your question. I am not gay myself, just touchy feely. We are still best friends thought right?” I answered with just “Okay… I hope so.” I saw no way in denying the fact so I didn’t even try to. That was about it. We went upstairs & had dinner & watched “Role Models.” I went home that night & didn’t speak to him for about 2 months following. eventually he called me saying “its been to long, we need to chill” & we have been great friends since.
Christmas time arrived & every Christmas day my moms side of the family gets together at one of my sisters houses. Dinner was done & I was sitting in the living room eating. It was only me & my 2 brother in laws in the room. They were on the opposite side of the room. I then overhear them having a conversation on gay & how it’s wrong, they don’t understand why someone would wanna be gay & that it’s against the bible & such. Now remember 2 of my 3 sisters are very religious & so are their husbands, So I always figured they wouldn’t be supportive, Well when I heard that it broke me. That’s exactly what I was fearing. I tried to just eat my dinner & ignore it. I couldn’t & I could feel the tears coming. So, I set down my food & nicely walked to the bathroom. I locked the door & just began to cry for a good 3 minutes. I eventually pulled myself together & went back out there. I finished the night as if everything was great.
Now at this point, I was out to Jay & nobody else. I never talked about the fact that I was gay to Jay ever. So I still pretty much just left alone. Finally one night I was sitting on my computer & I just got an urge to tell people. I just needed to say it. I couldn’t hold it in. So, I went onto Myspace where I posted a bulletin. The bulletin said something along the lines of “I am gay, so what? I don’t care anymore what you people think.” I made it public to everyone. I was friends with family & friends on there. apparently only my friends noticed the bulletin. After posting it I got a IM from my best friend… we shall call him Ray. He said that Jay told him a year ago that I had come out to him. He said that hes known since then & didn’t disown me & stated that he could care less that I was gay. Then I guess Ray called up Jay & told him that I had posted that I was gay on Myspace. I then get a call. The only phone in the house was in the kitchen by the living room. my dad was sitting right there & I answered it & it was Jay. He said how proud of me he was. I tried not to act too happy with my dad right there so I just said “thanks.” I never really talked about it much with my other friends. It just kinda became known.
At some point I started using a website called Dailybooth. I started talking to people on there & following them & such. One person who I started talking to was gay, He started to tell me how he came out at 13. I was shocked that he was able to come out to his family at such a young age. It got me thinking, “if he can come out at 13 & I am 20, what am I waiting for?” So, I was at my sisters (not the Christian one) visiting for the week with my mom. I told myself I was going to come out to my mom. I had told myself I was gonna do it the following Wednesday. The entire time I was at my sisters all I could think about was how I was actually gonna tell my mom. I became so nervous inside. I didn’t even fell like eating much. But the day came. It was Wednesday. We had left my sisters the following night & I decided I was going to get up extra early the next morning which I did. I got up at around 7 AM & was home by 8. My mother was of course still sleeping when I left which was my plan. I knew I wanted to tell her I was gay but I also knew I wouldn’t be able to say it to her face. So, I went home, got on my computer & opened up Facebook. I decided I would write it to her in a message. I opened up a message & I just starred for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually I finally started writing. I told her I didn’t wanna have to say it like this but I knew I wouldn’t be able to say it to her face. I wrote that I was gay & whatnot. I clicked off the message after sending it & noticed soon after that I had a new message. I once again starred at mt computer screen. Finally i decided to read the reply message. I always assumed she would be okay with me being gay but even when you know someone will be supportive, it’s still hard to get out. I read the message which basically said she kinda had an idea for a long time & that she didn’t care who I liked as long as I was happy. She also made it a point to point out that my 2 Christian sisters might not be so supportive.
That night, my father came home (I still lived with him) & he came into my room. He asked me if I had anything to tell him. I said no & he said that my mom had talked to him earlier & she mentioned that I had told her something. I said nothing. He then said that I didn’t have to say it but he knew I was gay. I just replied “okay…” & he said he didn’t care & that if I wanted to talk about it he was there. I honestly had never planned on telling. I was so terrified & thought he would reject me that I seriously didn’t even think it was possible that I could tell him. But I guess my mom ended up doing it for me.
Its been 2 years since telling coming out to my parents. My dads still adjusting to the idea I think. Its weird for him. I never bring it up & if he talks about gay people it usually results in some kind of a joke. I guess maybe that’s how he copes with it? It can be annoying but I am just in shock that he even tries to understand it & that he still loves me regardless of wither or not he likes it which I know he doesn’t.
That’s about it for my comping out experience. I’ve told my friends & my parents. I haven’t told my sisters & I really at this point can’t even consider doing so. I think all the time about how I just wish I could tell them but I can’t. I get so nervous when they are around (along with my brother in laws.) I can’t help it.
I have yet to talk to anyone about me being gay or about my comping out experience. I’ve admitted to being gay to friends & my parents & whatnot but those conversations literally just were “I’M GAY” & them responding “okay, that’s fine.” & that’s about it. I’ve never actually had a conversation about it. I have never shared any of my feelings of how it was growing up gay. Sometimes I really just wanna tell people. Like friends. I just wanna tell them what I basically just told you guys. But I never end up doing it. Not long ago my best friend Ray asked me if anyone in my family who is religious hates that I am gay. I started to tell him. I wanted to tell him about the Christmas experience. I told him that yes I have heard things & it sucks but that was it. After that I just stopped talking. Its like I really wanted to tell him the whole story but I couldn’t. He just ended up saying “you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t to.” Funny thing is I wanted to. So badly.
Anyways, that’s about it up to this point. I am 22 now. Coming out has been a great experience even though I do somewhat regret the ways I came out. That’s something that cannot be changed though. Things are not perfect. I still have my days. I still am not 100% comfortable telling new people I am gay. Its hard for me. Its a work in progress. I hope to one day be 100& comfortable with myself & not be so shy. I accept the fact that I am gay though. I have been closeted for most of my life so being open about it can still be a challenge for me but I am going to try & work on it.
I would like to leave you readers with one thing. Coming out isn’t easy. It never is. I don’t know anyone who will tell you otherwise. Even when you know the people will be supportive it still isn’t easy. Don’t expect to be 100% ready to come out. I never was fully ready. But I was as ready as I was ever gonna be. Lastly, you build up in your head that coming out will turn out very bad but in most cases its never as bad as you think it will be. FYI, there is no certain age to when you should come out. Don’t think that the older you get the more you feel you need to come out. People come out at all different stages in life & that is fine. You need to been comfortable enough with it yourself before you will be ever be comfortable enough with having other people know.
Thanks for reading my story. You can get through this & it will get better.
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